my need for survival

Every night is the same for me. Every night, I toss and turn and I am unable to sleep. I wake up every fifteen minutes, feeling so tired, yet I don't feel the urge of sleep. I change my position at least a thousand times each night but nothing is useful. I still suffer from this never ending pain caused by the seven sins.

The pain is every morning somewhat healed, as I wake up to the sweet songs of the birds. I wake up and smile to myself, in hopes that today might be different. However, each day I'm disappointed greatly, yet I still do not understand my feelings. I've been hurt so many times, so, how did I find the courage within me, to hope again? I'm left confused by all this and so much more. I do not understand even myself. I do not understand, what do I want or what do I need?

I try to isolate my being but the world doesn't allow it for to happen. It drags me back with promises of a better perspective. Even I astonish myself, with how easily I am fooled by all this nonsense, all this garbage and all this misfortune.

I feel so suffocated by all that is around me. I feel the urge to run away or walk out on everything I know of. It is a dream that can never come true. I'm far too attached with the lies that I hold.

I'm trapped within my soul, unable to break the locks. I have the keys but no courage to open these gates of my heart and mind. I am stuck from within.

I try to find out the answers inside me but I am unable to. I want to know how I survived for so long without you. I want to know how to be different. I want to know what you saw in me.

These answers I want to know but the most important question to me by me is will I survive? If so, for how long?

I am not afraid of my death. I am, however afraid of how my death will be taken by the rest? Will they cry? Will they rejoice? Will I be remembered? Will I be forgotten?

These questions haunt my very being. I do not know what my purpose is in this world but I feel that I might not be able to find out.

Until then I shall survive, believe in all those who believed in me. I will find it in my heart and soul, mind and body, spirit and karma. I will find it in myself. I will find my need to survive.

I may not be the most important person in this world but somewhere, someone is always thinking of me, praying for me, and hoping for my betterment. For that someone, I will survive.